Tar Paper, Tour Poster, Traditional Parenting
(why I'm not listening to adults anymore)
>> On tour at Cadillac Ranch in Texas (August 2021)
August 2020
"I got something that'll burn."
I'm sitting next to a fire pit at my friend's cabin in upstate New York. We're trying to get a fire started so we can roast marshmallows, and our mushrooms are starting to come up.
Their backwoods neighbor decides this is the perfect time to stop by to say hello.
He can see none of us is a scout and our fire is struggling from slightly damp wood.
Mushrooms have this funny effect. When you're with the group of people on mushrooms, your imaginations are running wild together, and it's like that unadulterated playtime as a kid, but as soon as you have to interact with "the public" it's like an adult walks into the room and you're on your best behavior. "Yes, dad" "Ok, dad"
He comes back with a black sheet of paper in his hand.
"It's tar paper. You won't have any trouble getting your fire started with this, it really burns and I'm trying to get rid of it."
He hands it to me and I kindly say thank you. As it goes onto our fire, my stomach drops.
I realized in that moment that I had just blatantly listened to this adult, only because he was older than me, and that made me trust him...”He knows better”... I had no other reason to just listen and politely go along with this random person's plan.
The fire burned alright... one little piece of tar paper,
created a pyre black smoke.. we knew we couldn't roast marshmallows on it or even sit around the fire because of the smell it created.
I felt so stupid for being so polite, and I knew in that moment I was done listening to people just because they're my senior.
I'm an adult and this isn't how I want to make my fire. You can take your tar paper and kindly fuck off.
We managed to recover our evening once we got back control of our fire. We all sat quietly listening to our wood crackle over the babble of the stream nearby. Just enjoying the present moment and letting the night and the year wash off of us. It was great to be with family again.
In a universal way, I felt like I made Greta cry that night. This tar paper moment has stuck with me as a lesson from that trip. Lessons like this are usually hard to put into words, but I just kept coming back to it... tar paper. It's hard to even share now because of how I feel about that moment, it's not a proud one, but I feel the lesson affected me deeply.
Feeling like older people know better is a myth. Yes, they've had their own life experiences, but that doesn't mean they also apply to my life. I pick and choose now, the people who I listen to and take advice from. I think it's important to listen to and share experiences, good and bad, but know that I'll make my own decisions for myself, not because you say I should.
“I have yet to hear the first syllable of valuable or even earnest advice from my seniors. They have told me nothing, and probably cannot tell me anything to the purpose. Here is life, an experiment to a great extent untried by me; but it does not avail me that they have tried it. If I have any experience which I think valuable, I am sure to reflect that this my Mentors said nothing about."
-Henry David Thoreau
August 2021
As we packed up our car to set off on the Full Exposure tour, I received a call from my parents who were very concerned about the tour poster I had created. They thought it was too pornographic and people would be sure to know it was me.
My pink haired neon drawing of myself with my legs spread on top of the car, with the neon portrait I did of my vulva (Electric Pussy No. 1) between my legs... there was something that triggered them about adding the context of my body back in, it became SEXUAL...
My parents had been very supportive of my project so far, as long as it focused on the disembodied vulva.
They expressed major concern, and thought I should "reconsider".
In the moment I was like... uh... ok, thank you for your concern...
but my heart burst a little bit.
I knew they were "disappointed".
That was the last day they really asked any questions about my project.
I tried to fight the feelings by making a video about it, but that's the last day I posted about the tour poster. And I still haven't had it printed.
I can understand the shock it might have caused them to see their only daughter (albeit as a cartoon) in an erotic pose... especially with their traditional set of values.
My parents are roughly 40 years older than me and I think that gap in generations makes a huge difference. They grew up in a very different time in New York City.
As I was growing up, my parents didn't really approach the conversation of sexuality. Most of the education was left up to health classes in school, and religion classes after school.
I don't blame them, it's a tough conversation to have in a positive way, especially since they grew up in Catholic and Orthodox households each with their own set of traumas and strict upbringings.
As a kid, our brushes with conversations of sexuality hung in the "don't get pregnant" realm.
In recent years, my mom has said to me that she was always waiting for me to approach her with the conversation, but I feel parents have to cultivate a certain kind of relationship with their children, for them to feel comfortable coming to them with conversations about sex without feeling judged or like they’re going to get in trouble.
I don't hold anger or resentment towards them for not being more sex-positive. They are humans, and now that I am an adult making my own decisions, I understand that adults don't "have it all figured out" either. They're just experimenting with life too (remember the tar paper?).
It took me a long time to feel like I didn't need to seek their approval for everything in my life. I was so proud of that tour poster, and how bold I felt for putting that image out there. And I didn't want to let their disapproval halt my entire process of opening up and putting myself out there, but it still did.
I was literally about to embark on the most daring journey of my life so far... my sexual awakening
…and this was how they sent me off, with disappointment and shame for a piece of art I created.
"We could replace the shame that adults feel about their genitals with the acceptance and wonder I remember having as a child when we innocently played 'I'll show you mine if you show me yours.'"
- Betty Dodson
Looking back on the Full Exposure Tour, it feels way bigger now than it did when we were putting it together. I feel like such a different person from when we set off that day.
Conceptualizing, and executing this guerrilla art tour was a transformative experience for this introvert. Taking my four-foot-tall neon vulva self-portrait across America and setting it up in public spaces to talk about sex and masturbation, and my experiences with the two. Night after night, I was literally out there, having deep conversations with so many people, and telling my story of how at the age of 30 I became unafraid of my vulva and the pleasure it creates.
Now... I try not to let the shame from their traditional religious and old- school upbringings affect me. I love my parents and appreciate everything they did for me as a kid. They provided me with an enriching childhood and cultivated my artistic endeavors and encouraged me to be an independent thinker, so when it comes to my life and my sexuality I can't let their beliefs and expectations of me weigh in on my choices or hold me back.
After all, I'm an adult, this is my body and my pleasure, and I'll enjoy it as I please... if you don't like it don’t look. Please take your remarks and traditional parenting and kindly fuck off.
